Again
by Luna Imper
Summary: [AM Oneshot] From the poem Again. Aoshi reflects on his journey home and braces himself for the last one.


Disclaimer: The poem, "Again" is mine, but not the characters. They are all property of Nobuhiro Watsuki.  
  
"Black Sunday hanging out my window  
Counted the demons on my shoulder  
And found that they still over power  
Nineteen curses follow me always  
And sixteen candles praying for my soul again"  
  
I find no glory in murder. Murder is a dreadful deed that we are sometimes forced to commit for our views and ideas to become reality. I still find no glory in doing it, or being a part of it at all. It is my duty as who I am to do it. Duties should never be mixed with hobbies. Especially when they involve lives. A mission had called me away again. Misao was not happy at all. She begged for me to stay, and with all my heart, I wished I could. But, I had to. Duty was me. I never lived for pleasure. My duties were my life. My life had been sacrificed to my work. I had no time for play. I had no time to sit and do nothing. Work was life. She begged to take my place, but I would not let her. I would never let her sacrifice like that. I forbid her to follow me. She cried and screamed at me, but I would not let her go. I would not even let her go with me. I could never place her in that. I would kill myself before it came to that. Now, 2 months later, I was coming home. I was coming back. Back to the Aoiya. And, back to Misao. But, I did not know how long I would stay. I would be leaving soon. Extremely soon. Misao could not know of my second leaving. I already knew what would happen if she did. And, that could not happen. None of it could. It would put everyone and everything we had always strived for in utter turmoil. I could and would not allow it. My mission was complete. I could go home. Now, I just had to make it back with no problems. I just had to keep walking the hard path. I could not let anything stand in my way. I had to get back to Misao. She had waited an incredibly long time to see me again. I had to at least get back to her in one piece. I had to. And I would let nothing get in my way of achieving that goal.  
  
"Crimson blood as I walk home  
Fill the paths of my desire  
I long to see your face  
And feel your skin  
But honey, the world's taken you away again"  
  
I watched as blood flew out a few of my wounds. A trail of stains lay on the path from the mission to the Aoiya. All I could think of was getting home to Misao. She would be exceedingly worried about me. She would probably never let me out of her sight again. I just wish I did not have to leave her again. It would tear her heart to see me leave her again. With all my heart, I wished she would not have to watch me go, but I knew it had to happen. I knew I had to go. There was no way out of it. Nothing I could do, nothing she could do. It was already decided. It had been decided for a while now. And, we would have to deal in some way to the conditions. No matter how painful they became. It would hurt a lot. I already knew that. I also knew we would have no idea how much it would hurt. For, no matter how well prepared we pretended to be, our defense would never be enough for the situation. Leaving her would hurt the worst and I was scared of what might happen afterwards. I could do nothing but wait and try to hurry home, to maybe spend a little more time with her. Maybe, it would not hurt as much. But, I knew no matter what, it would hurt more than ever to leave her. I knew it would. And I was scared of leaving her. I had always been. I could not watch and protect her. I could not force her nightmares away. And, she would not be there to chase away mine. I was scared of the demons that loomed over my shoulder constantly and what they could do. It was not what I wanted, nor what I needed. Now, I would have no more comfort to push them away.  
  
"Stains follow my back and hurt comes nearer  
Days of death and days of life get confused in ever  
Breathing becomes a problem  
And I find myself wishing of you  
I just wish to see you again"  
  
The Aoiya was so close. It was so near that I could almost taste the smell of the restaurant's cooking. I could almost hear the chatter of the people as they ate. I could almost hear the clatter of the kitchen and the yells of people. I could almost touch my fellow comrades and I could almost remember their faces. Almost remember everything. I felt numb inside. I could not remember how long I had been walking. At least three or four days. For some reason, I could have sworn it had only taken me a day and a half to get to my mission. It did not matter. I was getting home. I was coming. If they could just wait a little longer. I felt rocks as my shoes were wearing thin. They crept through the soles and lashed at my feet. I felt liquid trickle around them and I looked back. A bloody trail was left behind. More stained soil followed me. It became harder to breathe as I walked up the inclines. I felt my lungs were contrasted and squeezing so hard, they would bust. My heart was a fire and seemed to be frozen inside my chest. I was cold. I was hot. I was seeing so many images float around my head. Misao. I had to get back to her. I could never leave her. I had to make it back. No matter what, I would have to get back to her. Then, I could maybe tell her of my next leaving. Maybe, I could make it there before I had to go. I just wanted to see her once before I had to go. I just hoped I could stop there before I was forced to go. I had to. I fought against all my constraints. My body screamed at me, but I went on. I would make it to her. No matter what. Nothing would stop me. Nothing. I had to get to her. I had to.  
  
"I can't remember the feel of you  
I can't remember the look of you  
Again and again my dreams haunt me forever  
Fallen black crimson blood hanging on your pristine white  
You fall and I don't catch in time, again"  
  
Visions came to me. I could see you. I could not see you. I remember you. I forgot. It tortured my every being as I tried to make a mental image and I could not. I forgot everything. Your voice sounded muffled. Your body looked blurry. Your hands felt numb. You seemed so distant. And again, I felt so scared. I fall under my own weight, as I cannot take the pressure of these dreams. My vision is blurred by you. My Misao. You seem to tease me to endless wonderings. I grow impatient and I want you to show your face. I want to hear your voice. I want to remember the way you feel. But, all I get is this blur. You pass me by completely. I forget the visions and only hear a voice calling out to me. All I hear is that. All I see is that. All I remember is that. It is all I cannot forget. It is all I could live off of. It is all I am. I crack and cry as I try to fall into the comfort of the voice. I cannot find you. I cannot find the essence of what you stand for. The wind tries to break me. The rocks try to crash upon me and make me stray. The leaves rustle of other wonderful things. The sun beats on me, trying to make me forget all I stand for. All I have lived for. And, I almost fall prey to them. Almost. I stagger up and try to get closer. Your presence tries and draws me home. It calls to me. It says to me where I must be. It is all I can do but to collapse and hope that a better and less horrid fate bestow me. But, nothing comes and I stagger on. I must come back to my Misao. My Misao waiting for me to come home. Waiting for my return. I cannot deny her that. I would never willingly deny her that. I cannot help but have visions of my coldness. I feel so stupid for doing that. But, I cannot do anything about it now. And, I hate myself for being that way. I promise never to be that way. So, when I have to go again, she will have happy memories. Not the sad ones of yesterday. Happy ones to help face tomorrow's storm clouds.  
  
"Afternoon tea calling nine days  
Your face calling me home  
White pristine hands guiding me home  
And all I can't forget is all that I forgot to remember  
It seems I've failed you again"  
  
Nothingness over takes my head and I dream of the emptiness that fills the life. I cannot seem to escape it all. I cry out for you to help me. I cry and cry, but I feel more demons hop onto my shoulder, driving evil straight to the heart. Nothing seems to break the curse they have influenced upon me. I suddenly see a break in the evil storm clouds. And, all I can think of is your beautiful face. It comes back to me as I remember, and I cry in desperation for you to come near. I cannot reach you. Your pretty hands call back to me, but I can't reach them. I cannot grab hold of you. I keep on falling, down and down. A warm smell fills my head as I sit up. Or at least try to. My body's restraints cut into me as I do. A comforting hand reaches out and pushes me back down. I open my eyes grudgingly and I see her. My Misao, looking down straight at me. At my opening, she gasps and tears come to her eyes. Her arms ensnare me and I hold her in my weak arms as best I can. "Aoshi, welcome home." Tears sparkle in her eyes as she leans over me. I wipe them away and hold her tighter. She starts to cry and I whisper nonsense into her ear, trying to calm her. "I'm glad to be back." Her eyes light up. We shared tea as we talked of the last months. She constantly fretted over me, and she would not let me tell her to stop. I sighed and told her my tale. She told me her own and we grew silent. They had found me unconscious on the forest floor. My body was a complete wreck I was told. But, I had known that to begin with.  
  
"Days like this mess me up  
And my blood choking me has made me wonder  
Please don't let your pretty white  
Be tainted by my black crimson blood  
Be tainted by my black crimson blood, again"  
  
A week went by. Misao and I walked around the Aoiya, slowly and cautiously. I could not walk for myself well, so I leaned on her for support. We spoke of old times, and times to come. I loved watching so much joy float on her face. She seemed so happy. I did not want her to lose her happiness. I never wanted her to lose her happiness. It would tear me up to see that. We did not speak of my leaving again. I was not sure if she knew of it. By some said things, it almost sounded that way. But her actions said nothing of it. Her eyes betrayed her if she was sad. Her face was constantly lit up and her eyes looked like the sun. That was they way I wanted her to look always. With my leaving soon, I knew it would not happen. I felt my strength start to leave me after a few days. I would have to leave soon. I knew it. I knew I would have to go. And, I knew she and I could not handle it. I wished and prayed to the gods for help to get through it. Except, I heard nothing. The gods kept their stone faces and whispers of nothing floated through the air. I was disappointed and distraught. I knew it was coming. I knew it was. I felt my bones grow weak. Many days I had felt this. But, I knew today was the day of my leaving. My blood flew up my throat and choked me. I had to see her again, before I was forced to go again. I knew I had to. I called to my Misao. She appeared cheerful, as she had not heard the hurt in my voice. At my position, she stopped in her tracks. She gave a light scream and ran to me. She helped me up, trying to get me to drink some of the water lying next to the futon. I shook my head no. I was leaving. Nothing was going to prevent it, no matter what we tried. I had felt it ever since the mission. I had felt it float through my body. "Ao-shi." She hiccupped as she whispered my name. "Mi-sao." I was choking. I could no longer breathe as well. I felt so helpless. "Please..." She pleaded with me. I had known she was not prepared. And, I was just the same. "I...have to...leave again...my Misao." I reached a hand up to touch her face. "Please..." She laid her head next to mine as she wrapped her arms around me. "I love you." She took in a sharp breath. She almost looked stunned. "I love you too." I grew relieved. She took my hand and held it. I looked up at her and gave her a light smile. She smiled back at me. "I just want to see you smile again, my Aoshi." Misao whispered into my ear. I whispered her name and she whispered mine. I felt the energy slip away from me, as I gave her one more smile.  
  
End 


End file.
